Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
