fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
