The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
