he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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