I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
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smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
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Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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