my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
