So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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