oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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