see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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