Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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