I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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