Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
