Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I didn't notice because vodka
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
