I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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