i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
