so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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