6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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