When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
