and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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