In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
