Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
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can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
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Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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