We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
