I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
