Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
