I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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