I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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