For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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