I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
