Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
