my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
