Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
