i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
