I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
