Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
