I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
