did you get engaged???
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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