the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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