My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
