We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
