xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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