Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
