i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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