I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
