Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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