drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
