the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Pants are for mortals
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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