You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just found a bag of teeth...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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