Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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