it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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