If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
