My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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