My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
