I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
why do cheetos always look like penises
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
